Wednesday, April 27, 2011

     I'm 5 weeks away from a bodybuilding competition. Two and a half years have passed since my last visit to the stage where I won 1st in my class, as well as the overall title, earning me my first Pro Card. After pushing through the sudden loss of my step dad 3 months later, dealing with horrible relationships, family issues, job changes, etc, I grew into a habit of saying, "I'll compete in the next show when my head's together..." Keyword here being 'habit'. The next show would come and pass and I wouldn't even be in the audience nor onstage. Instead, I'm either at the gym compensating for knowing I could've competed and had a damn good chance at winning but decided that I'd take more time to get bigger or I'd be on the couch sulking and feeling like an absolute failure, engulfing honeybuns and chugging Diet Mt. Dews. Either way, I'm still saying, *next one's mine*...
     Two years passed, and here I am... 5 weeks away. Granted, this scheduled event is such a sudden decision, that I didn't take into consideration the things going on around me. Originally, my fiancee and I agreed that a contest in July would be perfect. The timing, like all things in competitive bodybuilding and I'm sure even in figure comps, is CRITICAL! In the past, my support system seemed to be more like an entourage, a cast of friends, family and even fans and it made me feel like Superman! The motivation was ALWAYS there... the training was precise, the diet was airtight and the results of it all was me earning that Pro Card in just a single year of competing. Timing.
     Most people don't realize what goes into preparing for a contest. A lot of you think it's just about lifting, diet and cardio. But, you have to realize that the most important element to the equation is Mentality. Competitive bodybuilding is NOT an easy sport. The hardships of dieting after bulking, lifting and tearing your body down, the aches and pains, ups and downs, yada yada blah blah... It's not a sob story, its the truth. As a person living a healthy and active lifestyle, we've chosen to do what a large majority won't or can't. It may be because of the time consumption, the dieting, the work... whatever the excuses we've managed to supersede it and put it in the light for, what seems like, the world to see and judge.
     5 weeks... I reiterate it because I'm faced with a hard decision... As it turns out, that last week before stage time, my fiancee, my rock, so to speak, will be in Texas thru the Sunday AFTER my contest, my brother in Christ will be in Jersey preparing to ship out to Afghanistan with the Army and the other supporters and "helpers", well, they're just not here anymore, or at least, not in my current life... Which, ultimately, leaves me feeling a huge lack of confidence and terribly vulnerable, and knowing that I will be missing these KEY components, of course, has me feeling mentally f*cked!!
    I can't prep my own skin for the show, I don't have my physical and mental crutches... No blame targeted to my people, of course, it's just the timing. It's the timing that has me asking myself, "Do I wait and do the following show in July, when I know at least one of my cornerstones will be with me? Or, do I keep going in prep for these 5 weeks and pray God sends an answer... or at least some trusted hands?
     I could very well take the top prize in the upcoming show in June. But, i'm running out of time and I'm feeling out of my mind! I'm still pushing weight, slimming down hardening and cutting up... but my head... nah, it's just not in it. But, my heart IS. Yet, I'm a perfectionist... I want my color and oil to be precise. Mentally, I have to be sharper than my muscletone and stronger than my emotions. Still trying to figure that one out.
      My body is in it and playing for the #1 spot, but my head... I'm workin' on it...
*I just want a donut, just not as badly as I want that trophy. To be continued...

No comments:

Post a Comment